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long time post [Mar. 12th, 2007|04:17 am]
so i haven't posted to livejournal in years, but maybe now it's appropriate to do so.

my night sucked. i've been home for a couple days. a nice relaxing spring break away from gainesville. so after 2 days of course i'm bored and worried that i'm waisting my life away. so after having a very early dinner with my parents at cheesecake factory at the mall i have them drop me off on the beach. i go to lincoln road, do shit, meet people, get stood up, meet more people, get stood up again, and somehow get home by way of people i know. by the time that happens i'm just glad to be here, safe, in a completely happy, safe, nice, environment.  atleast i can't get stood up by home. it's nice.

well my night was blegh.  and yet i made myself get out of the house to go do it. i have not made one single good friend when i was out clubbing, EVER. not once. and i don't have any idea why. people aren't sincere when they're out dancing and drinking. they'll buy you a drink, but five minutes later they're out the door and you're standing there alone again completely clueless. so many people are totaly willing to buy me drinks. i was given two wristbands for mansion (i didn't go. had absolutely no interest because i was already tired and kinda pissed) but then when things become serious, everyone's gone. people leave. things are over. done. goodbye. and i'm left standing there.

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so i had a little chat with mother [Dec. 18th, 2006|04:18 am]
me: "well i was kind of looking forward to going back to gainesville for another reason. a romantic interest."
mom: "male or female"
me: "oh come on i'm  sure you already know the answer to that"
mom: "well yeah, but we can talk about it. you are, aren't you?"
me: "well.....yeah. but for some reason, and i don't know why, i really don't like talking about it with you"
mom: "that's ok"
me: "and i don't see why i feel this way. you and dad couldn't be more accepted. you've told me tons of times that your perfectly fine with it if i         am, and hell i grew up in a neighborhood full of them, but for some reason  i don't want to say it to you"
mom: "that's ok. whenever your ready. who else knows?"
me: "EVERYONE. you and dad are literally the only people i don't openly talk about it with. everyone in the family, all my friends, everyone i know actually."
mom: "oh ok"
me: "so i should be able to say that word around you, shouldn't I? to say that i am.......that. but i can't"
mom: "well whenever your ready"
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i need to write because i don't have much time to change my life [Dec. 14th, 2006|04:22 am]
shit happened with architecture. i can do two things
1. leap over canyans, break in to buildings, and go on a big trip alone leaving tomorrow to be able to pass this semester


2. take a year to do other things. take other classes. get a job. have some fun. retake some architecture stuff next year that i could have done better on. put my life on pause for a year.

i think i've been wanting to do that for a while, realizing ways in which i was lacking. not living up to my personal aspirations. thinking a lot about the balance between enjoyment and responsibility, questioning what was important to me, but i needed the impetus to perhaps do something.. and my psychotic professor was just the man to show me.

when this all resolves i'll write a story about it.
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(no subject) [Dec. 10th, 2006|01:35 pm]
what the fuck did i do last night?

i'd make a list, but there are too many people i don't want knowing
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(no subject) [Nov. 22nd, 2006|02:17 am]
i'm HOME!!!! and not just literally but figuratively. it's amazing how seperate my gainesville life is from my other life, my real life, my home life, and yet when i come back i swear it's like i never left. i'm going to my aunt's tomorrow for the next two nights, and yes i consider that my home life too, because it's something i grew up doing, unlike gainesville, which i also speak of figuratively. i really like this place, i really really do.


see u all this weekend
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(no subject) [Nov. 12th, 2006|06:51 am]
i'm siting in my room in jeans with no underwear and a jacket with no shirt. i've been up all night. in fact if i'm up at 6:30 in the morning, this is basically always the case. i never wake up before noon except sometimes on tuesdays when i've got a class at 10:40. but then i go to architecture class, and on the days i don't go to architecture class i go to studio and work. my life revolves around that. and i don't stay up because i'm doing work, i stay up because that's what my body just does. that's the routine i've gotten myself in. tonight in fact i've been doing laundry for the last 4-ish hours, the first hour being frustration incurred by not being able to use my university card to pay for the machines and searching out quarters somewhere. there, that hour's lost. then these machines take forever, and now it's dawn.

i have tons of homework due in 36 hours. just tons. a 4 foot long model, 2 drawings, and a set of autocad line drawing renderings. oh and atleast 8 hours of sleep, probably more. sleep has taken on a very very high importance for me lately. i feel like i require it above all else. i'm taking 14 credit hours (the minimum for this architecture  semester) skating by with B's in all of my classes (i'm plagued with the second letter in the alphabet), don't have a current social life beyond the studio (which basically seems to entail predominantly my wonderful friend Laura and then John) and my dorm neighbors, and i get on average 10 hours of sleep a day. this actually satisfies me in the short term. as long as i produce pieces of architecture that i love and pass pin-up. and i'm thinking it should be good for the long.

i recently realized how unknowladgeble i am romantically. i'm currently in a situation that i think i've botched so incredibly horribly before it's even started. so i'm afraid it wont. my friend jeremy told me to watch chick flicks, and i think he has a point. so i plan to go to the library and check out as many good chick flicks and  gay romances as i can. hopefully this will help.

yesterday i was on the bus and i swear there was this really loud sonic boom, something i've never heard over gainesville before. it reminded me of the concorde and made me smile. i wonder what it was.
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(no subject) [Nov. 6th, 2006|05:01 am]
holy shit i'm almost 20
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(no subject) [Oct. 30th, 2006|03:02 am]
my gainesville life has become routine. here i exist, here i have A life. and i'm not sardonically refering to my other possible lives in other places in lesser ways. my life in gainesville is ok, it's becoming consistent, and it's livable. and i'm generally perhaps happy. but i do miss my real LIFE. the life that was existing for me at birth, that my parents gave me and that i nurtured by my existence in my world forever before college. whenever i go back, for christmas, for breaks and such, i always seem to fall exactly back in to place, and yet sometimes it seems slightly surreal. Miami pauses down there for me every time I leave and return. Miami being the name i use to define everything, losely based of course in miami itself, but also including elements of my life that aren't there, like thanksgiving at aunt marie's and summer reunion at various hotels. those are also part of my Miami life, what I feel is my REAL life. I miss it.
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omg so many spam friend requests on myspace [Oct. 14th, 2006|09:06 pm]
i'm supposed to turn in this really complex digital rendering thing done in this program called form z by monday at 5 pm, and i can't get the fucking software to work

i hate "Form-Z RadioZity"
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(no subject) [Oct. 7th, 2006|07:31 pm]
i've been really depressed lately. i know this is basically admitting defeat, but i have very few friends, and i'm also very lonely. and now since facebook copys all of my lj posts as notes, the whole world knows this.
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